Merry Christmas! Yesterday we spent Christmas Eve with my mom, Huong and a few friends. We started off the day with a mad scramble to finish cleaning and decorating everything, which unfortunately got a little stressful. We pulled through though and our place looks amazing now, with the Christmas tree, lights and baby furniture all up. This was also the first time we spent Christmas with my mom, and that turned out to be a big success. Cooked food, played games, took lots of pictures, lots of laughing and merriment all-around. I even got to play Gears of War for a bit while my mom played Blockus with Lily and Huong. Hopefully we can make this a yearly tradition with our daughter, so that we can all enjoy the magic of the holidays (even the stressful scramble to get everything prepared :-P).
For today we're supposed to go over to Lisa's for her Christmas party. She's also stressed out scrambling to get everything prepared, at least she sounded like that on the phone with Lily yesterday. It's kind of funny though because she keeps saying how similar Lily is to her mother-in-law but in reality she is much more so, especially the freaking out/stressing out parts. I think she's in denial, trying to draw similarities between the parents and other people so that she doesn't have to think about how much Chris and her are like their parents ;-).
But I digress, the reason I brought Lisa up is because on the phone Lily jokingly offered that my Christmas present to them would be for me clean their living room (because apparently everyone is saying how dirty is :-/). Her immediate reaction was somewhere on the line of "Danny clean??!! But he lived with a bunch of guys and it was a pigsty!" While this is a true statement, anyone who's only known me for the past several years would be very confused by that. That's because over the past decade, both Lily and I have changed significantly. If our past selves saw us today, they probably wouldn't even recognize us (and when they find out that we're their future, they'd be dumbstruck with horror :-P). An easy example of our evolution is too look at our living situations over time, as that's fairly representative of our personalities at those moments in time. I started out in a college dorm where I think we maybe vacuumed 3 times a year, to a small apartment together a few years later where we had Gum Gum's furballs rolling around old western tumble weed style, to now where our place is vacuumed/swept/mopped on practically a daily basis. We used to horde everything, buying random storage furniture to accommodate our pack-rat ways, to now where we're purging stuff as fast as possible. We went from a hodgepodge of diy/ikea furniture to a much more minimalist consistent theme from a variety of different stores. Even the grocery stores we shop at now are different. And finally I went from lazy sitting around getting nothing done to lazy lets make it so that it takes the least amount of effort to get to satisfy our goals (i.e. let's automate the crap out of everything or make it more efficient). A good example of this is our vacuum. We went from a crappy Bartell's vacuum to a Dyson DC21 (4x the cost!!) plus a Mint automatic floor sweeper. Ten years ago I would have thought that to be crazy, but today it's totally worth it, because it helps me clean faster and do a better job of it.
Now seeing how we live today, why would Lisa still have that as her immediate reaction. There's always the first impressions last forever. However I think it's more of the fact that Chris and her haven't changed much so she doesn't really she change in others. If I look at their lives and the way they live now and compare it to say seven or eight years ago, I'd say it's pretty similar. Sure there are minor differences (they now own a house, etc..) but overall it's all in the same vein of hodgepodge diy, just enough to work but not enough to make them truly happy. For example they just went through a kitchen remodel, where the own reason it was even started was because Nick and Ivan pushed them and did most of the leg work. And when they talk about their kitchen, one of the first things they say is that their cabinets are from a place they like to term "Inferior Cabinets" because it's already warping, screws are coming out and they're missing handles. That sounds so much like them, and if we had taken their past selves and put them in the same situation, I believe the same result would occur.
So I guess the moral of this is that you should also continually examine yourself and see what small improvements you could make. Over the years you'll become a hopefully better person, one that you might not even recognize anymore. If you don't make a conscious effort to do so, you'll just stagnate :-P.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Conscious Fathering
Sorry it's been awhile since I've found time for this :-P. We're on the final stretch and our daughter will be here anytime in the next three weeks. We just finished all our classes, had the baby shower and are finishing up cleaning and preparing our home. This is really happening and we're about as ready as we'll ever be. In my last class, Conscious Fathering (class just for guys), we were using dolls to learn how to hold a baby correctly, and while I was holding it, looking at its face and imagining what it will be like with my daughter, I felt something that I never felt before and can't even really describe. In previous classes working with the dolls, I didn't feel anything and was just going through the motions. I'm not sure if that means I'm ready, but something is definitely different now.
I also got three main points about being a father from that class:
1. If your baby is crying, immediately check on them. They cry for a reason and you might not know it, but you should try to figure it out anyways. Even if you don't manage to figure it out, they'll learn that you are always there for them, no matter what. Lots of people say that you should let the baby self sooth otherwise you'll spoil them, and even in the class when the instructor first asked how long should you wait before checking up on a crying baby there were varying responses. However babies aren't even capable of manipulation until they're 1 year old, and even then, don't you want your baby to think that you will always be there for them when they need you?
2. It's the quality of time that you spend with your child, not the quantity. When you are with your child, be there, focused on them. Children are smart, they'll know whether your mind is there or not.
3. Finally, think about what fatherhood is, and what kind of father you want to be. Write it down and refer to it every now and then as a reminder, because every father will lose there way at some point. So here's my first pass at what kind of father I want to be:
* provide a safe environment
* establish traditions, both cultural and new ones, and have them feel the magic of the holidays
* impart on them an understanding of their cultural history, but not to let it bind them
* read to them, play with them
* present for their important events
* provide just enough pressure so they have ambition, but not to the point where that's all they worry about
* supportive in whatever path in life they choose
* the kind of parent where they will feel comfortable talking to me about anything
* no corporeal punishment
* open minded
* forgiving
* be there for them always, no matter what happens
* material/financial provider
I also got three main points about being a father from that class:
1. If your baby is crying, immediately check on them. They cry for a reason and you might not know it, but you should try to figure it out anyways. Even if you don't manage to figure it out, they'll learn that you are always there for them, no matter what. Lots of people say that you should let the baby self sooth otherwise you'll spoil them, and even in the class when the instructor first asked how long should you wait before checking up on a crying baby there were varying responses. However babies aren't even capable of manipulation until they're 1 year old, and even then, don't you want your baby to think that you will always be there for them when they need you?
2. It's the quality of time that you spend with your child, not the quantity. When you are with your child, be there, focused on them. Children are smart, they'll know whether your mind is there or not.
3. Finally, think about what fatherhood is, and what kind of father you want to be. Write it down and refer to it every now and then as a reminder, because every father will lose there way at some point. So here's my first pass at what kind of father I want to be:
* provide a safe environment
* establish traditions, both cultural and new ones, and have them feel the magic of the holidays
* impart on them an understanding of their cultural history, but not to let it bind them
* read to them, play with them
* present for their important events
* provide just enough pressure so they have ambition, but not to the point where that's all they worry about
* supportive in whatever path in life they choose
* the kind of parent where they will feel comfortable talking to me about anything
* no corporeal punishment
* open minded
* forgiving
* be there for them always, no matter what happens
* material/financial provider
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Freaking out now...
Becoming a father just started getting really real for me. Our friend Judy, whom we were visiting when I got Lily pregnant (also whom we joking blame for our pregnancy saying that it's contagious and Lily caught it from her) just gave birth a few days ago. When we heard the news we were so excited and happy for her, especially since we've been following her blog about her pregnancy and Lily's been chatting with her about it throughout. Then a little bit after the excitement, it hit me that, holy crap, this is us in 3-4 months. Up until now, becoming a father has been somewhat of an intangible concept, something that will come sometime in the future, but not just yet. Our lives have changed a little bit, but not too significantly, even though Lily's body is changing drastically. But hearing the news that Judy just gave birth and seeing the photos online of someone who was basically in the same situation we were in up until a few days ago, made the concept of become a parent so much closer and so real I could almost hold it in my hands. I talked with Lily a bit about this and she basically feels the same too, that it was still just a concept until we heard our friends good news, and now it's reality.
And as such, I'm finally having the reactions that people have been expecting, such as freaking out. I have no idea what idea what I'm doing and no clue about being a father. I don't know how to hold a baby, or change diapers, or how to feed her, or how to make sure she grows up to be a good person. I have all these ideas and concepts in my head of how we should raise our daughter and what kind of life we'll lead, but in reality I'm completely lost. I've also been really busy at work these past few weeks so I haven't had much time to dwell on this, which I'm not sure is a good or bad thing. I think the best advice I've gotten so far, (from Fio who has two daughters) is that no amount of preparation will prepare me to be a father. Basically I'm not going to be ready to be a father until I actually am a father and no amount of advice, books or classes is going to change that. I've just got to roll with the punches as they come, and the only way I'll learn to be a father is by being one. Realizing this makes me feel a little bit better, but I'm still wigging out.
Finally I've always hated complaining without doing something about it, so one thing I've decided to do is try to organize my life better and be more efficient at getting things done. I don't know what I'm actually going to do when our daughter arrives, but I do know that we'll have a lot less time and a lot more stuff to get done. So one thing I can do to prepare for the coming unknowns is to figure out how to be more efficient. To that end I'm trying out a new time management system invented by David Allen called "Getting Things Done" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Getting_Things_Done). I haven't actually read his book on this so I don't know all the details and intricacies of it but I've formed a basic understanding through the internet and Google. It's a system developed a few years ago that's been steadily gaining popularity in tech circles. One of the basis of it is that our brain's reminder system is terribly inefficient, and that we try so hard to remember the things that we need to get done we don't have any energy left to do it. The key then is to externalize or distribute this reminder system, such as by writing down all the tasks. The reason why it's so popular with the tech crowd (and hence me) is that it utilizes technology to offload the reminder system, freeing our brains to actually get stuff done. So the 10,000 feet overview of it is that you enter in all the things you need to do into a piece of a technology that then presents it back to you in an organized and focused manner letting you do your tasks without having to spend all the mental energy to remember them.
In a little bit more detail, the system as I understand it is (tempered by my use of Omnifocus as my technological GTD tool of choice):
1. Do a brain dump and write down the tasks you need to get done (this is on a continuous basis, so when something new comes up write it down)
2. Do a weekly review were you classify/prioritize your tasks into projects and contexts, where a project is a group of tasks that accomplish a specific goal and a context is a localization of tasks (projects can span multiple contexts and vice versa). So an example of a project is "Set up investment plan" and an example of a context is "Phone calls".
3. Whatever system you're using should then present you a focused list of things that you need to get done by context/availability/priority/due date so that you can look at it and pick tasks to do.
4. Also whenever you're doing something you should look at your context to see if you can get anymore tasks in the context done. Say you're about to make some phone calls, look at your "Phone calls" context and see if you can knock a few more of those out.
I've been trying this system out for the past few days and I think it's helping. I've managed to get a few more errands done that I probably would have otherwise forgotten about (such as rebates on a few things I bought). I'll update after a few more weeks to see if this is just a knee jerk reaction to the realization that I'm going to be a parent and an excuse to feel like I'm doing something to prepare or if this is a system that will really make me more efficient.
And as such, I'm finally having the reactions that people have been expecting, such as freaking out. I have no idea what idea what I'm doing and no clue about being a father. I don't know how to hold a baby, or change diapers, or how to feed her, or how to make sure she grows up to be a good person. I have all these ideas and concepts in my head of how we should raise our daughter and what kind of life we'll lead, but in reality I'm completely lost. I've also been really busy at work these past few weeks so I haven't had much time to dwell on this, which I'm not sure is a good or bad thing. I think the best advice I've gotten so far, (from Fio who has two daughters) is that no amount of preparation will prepare me to be a father. Basically I'm not going to be ready to be a father until I actually am a father and no amount of advice, books or classes is going to change that. I've just got to roll with the punches as they come, and the only way I'll learn to be a father is by being one. Realizing this makes me feel a little bit better, but I'm still wigging out.
Finally I've always hated complaining without doing something about it, so one thing I've decided to do is try to organize my life better and be more efficient at getting things done. I don't know what I'm actually going to do when our daughter arrives, but I do know that we'll have a lot less time and a lot more stuff to get done. So one thing I can do to prepare for the coming unknowns is to figure out how to be more efficient. To that end I'm trying out a new time management system invented by David Allen called "Getting Things Done" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Getting_Things_Done). I haven't actually read his book on this so I don't know all the details and intricacies of it but I've formed a basic understanding through the internet and Google. It's a system developed a few years ago that's been steadily gaining popularity in tech circles. One of the basis of it is that our brain's reminder system is terribly inefficient, and that we try so hard to remember the things that we need to get done we don't have any energy left to do it. The key then is to externalize or distribute this reminder system, such as by writing down all the tasks. The reason why it's so popular with the tech crowd (and hence me) is that it utilizes technology to offload the reminder system, freeing our brains to actually get stuff done. So the 10,000 feet overview of it is that you enter in all the things you need to do into a piece of a technology that then presents it back to you in an organized and focused manner letting you do your tasks without having to spend all the mental energy to remember them.
In a little bit more detail, the system as I understand it is (tempered by my use of Omnifocus as my technological GTD tool of choice):
1. Do a brain dump and write down the tasks you need to get done (this is on a continuous basis, so when something new comes up write it down)
2. Do a weekly review were you classify/prioritize your tasks into projects and contexts, where a project is a group of tasks that accomplish a specific goal and a context is a localization of tasks (projects can span multiple contexts and vice versa). So an example of a project is "Set up investment plan" and an example of a context is "Phone calls".
3. Whatever system you're using should then present you a focused list of things that you need to get done by context/availability/priority/due date so that you can look at it and pick tasks to do.
4. Also whenever you're doing something you should look at your context to see if you can get anymore tasks in the context done. Say you're about to make some phone calls, look at your "Phone calls" context and see if you can knock a few more of those out.
I've been trying this system out for the past few days and I think it's helping. I've managed to get a few more errands done that I probably would have otherwise forgotten about (such as rebates on a few things I bought). I'll update after a few more weeks to see if this is just a knee jerk reaction to the realization that I'm going to be a parent and an excuse to feel like I'm doing something to prepare or if this is a system that will really make me more efficient.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Rule 32 - Enjoy the little things
So it looks like we're having a girl. I've actually always wanted to have a sister growing up, so this is pretty exciting news for me. I do admit though that I'm worried about how to deal with her when she reaches her teenage years. The best I can hope for is that she turns out like her mother. I'll also have to let Lily do all of the coming of age talks, as I have no idea how to begin a conversation about periods besides blaming everything wrong with the world on PMS.
Interestingly enough, Fio, a coworker with two daughters, made a deal with me that when his daughters reach dating age and a boy comes by to pick them up, I'll be there pretending to be part of the triads. In return when a guy comes by to pick up my daughter, he'll be there to look like a member of the Italian mafia. Additionally Jesse also offered to come over with his sword collection and sit in the living room sharpening them.
Now for todays thoughts on life I'll go with something from Zombieland, rule 32, "Enjoy the little things." One of the coolest parts of the movie is the fact even though the entire world is for all intents and purposes destroyed the survivors still find ways to have fun and enjoy life. Basically making the best out of a really bad situation by finding the silver lining, no matter how small that lining may be. Now I do realize that the movie is a comedy and you're supposed to get laughs out of it, but it doesn't mean the point isn't a valid one. There are lots of people that basically pass through life, only focusing on the next thing or the future and forgetting to enjoy the here and now, which is very sad because they miss out on some of the best parts of life. Take for example when Lisa (Lily's sister) and her husband Chris were vacationing with us in Hong Kong. I remember Lisa telling us, "Why is it that you guys find all the awesome stuff, like a good cheap clothing store or a really great dessert place, right after we leave you?!" I thought about this for a while and realized that it's because they're impatient and always rushing through things. Lily and I try to slowly wander through the city examining the sights and sounds finding cool stuff all around us that we weren't even looking for. But when they were with us, they kept trying to rush us through things to the point where I told them that they should go on by themselves. Hence they miss out on all the hole in the wall places we found because we were paying attention to our surroundings taking it all in. So in summary, enjoy the little things in life along the way and you'll find yourself a much happier person, even if everyone else is a zombie.
Interestingly enough, Fio, a coworker with two daughters, made a deal with me that when his daughters reach dating age and a boy comes by to pick them up, I'll be there pretending to be part of the triads. In return when a guy comes by to pick up my daughter, he'll be there to look like a member of the Italian mafia. Additionally Jesse also offered to come over with his sword collection and sit in the living room sharpening them.
Now for todays thoughts on life I'll go with something from Zombieland, rule 32, "Enjoy the little things." One of the coolest parts of the movie is the fact even though the entire world is for all intents and purposes destroyed the survivors still find ways to have fun and enjoy life. Basically making the best out of a really bad situation by finding the silver lining, no matter how small that lining may be. Now I do realize that the movie is a comedy and you're supposed to get laughs out of it, but it doesn't mean the point isn't a valid one. There are lots of people that basically pass through life, only focusing on the next thing or the future and forgetting to enjoy the here and now, which is very sad because they miss out on some of the best parts of life. Take for example when Lisa (Lily's sister) and her husband Chris were vacationing with us in Hong Kong. I remember Lisa telling us, "Why is it that you guys find all the awesome stuff, like a good cheap clothing store or a really great dessert place, right after we leave you?!" I thought about this for a while and realized that it's because they're impatient and always rushing through things. Lily and I try to slowly wander through the city examining the sights and sounds finding cool stuff all around us that we weren't even looking for. But when they were with us, they kept trying to rush us through things to the point where I told them that they should go on by themselves. Hence they miss out on all the hole in the wall places we found because we were paying attention to our surroundings taking it all in. So in summary, enjoy the little things in life along the way and you'll find yourself a much happier person, even if everyone else is a zombie.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
So It Begins
So apparently I'm going to be a dad, which led me to think about the meaning of life and that I should probably write my thoughts down so that I can see how my world view changes as I become a parent. Lily is 19 weeks along now and we find out next week whether or not we're going to have a boy or a girl. Either way we're extremely excited. I'm hoping for a boy because I'm going to have a much easier time dealing with him when he gets to high school. I imagine the father/son talk about health going something along the lines of "Here's a pack of condoms, if you are going to have sex, make sure you use them, but just be aware that nothing in life is guaranteed. Your mom and I followed everything to the letter, yet you still came 2 years early, defying all odds." Now if we have a girl, the talk would go much more along the lines of "Men and boys are pigs, I should know. Especially when they're in high school/college. They'll say or do anything to get what they want. Just look at our dog Gum Gum, he'll sell us all out for a cookie. So just be careful!" I know this is a double standard, but boys and girls are different, and will probably remain so for all time. Unless our transgender technology becomes significantly better and you can pick your gender on a daily basis like your clothes.
Now onto thoughts about the meaning of life. On Thursday, I ended up working for almost 24 hours due to issues stemming from human error. That got me thinking about work and how it affects life. I consider myself one of the lucky ones in that what I do for my job is my passion. I love computers and all things computer related, so while during my 24 hour work shift I was extremely stressed, in the back of my head I was thinking, wow what I'm doing is awesome! At the end of it all as the sun was rising and my other fellow coworkers started showing up for work, I was rather satisfied and pleased with what we had just accomplished in the past several hours. The only downside was that I had missed a dinner and a night with Lily (and as long as it doesn't happen too often I guess that's okay), but I did get the following day off to make it up to her.
I've heard a lot of career advice in the past, basically boiling down to do what you're good at for your job that make lots of money and keep what you enjoy as a hobby. I tend to disagree with that now because if you are passionate about something, you'll tend to be good at it. I believe that I'm good at my job because I love it. For example, I read up on and do related things in my spare time, building up my skills which then subsequently translate into better work performance.
Work is something that you will probably spend most of your life doing, day in and day out, almost every day of every week for several decades. Hence, you should pick something that you really really enjoy so that you spend the majority of your life doing something that makes you happy. I find it sad that most people don't share this opinion, and work to them is just a means to an end. For me, money is a means to an end, not work. Work is something that is basically your life since you spend so much time doing it, hence it should be something that you love. Recently I talked with a couple and they said that they aren't passionate about their work and that they don't even know what they're passionate about. They work because it makes a lot of money. The guy is in the same field as me, yet is about as different from me as you can get. For example he knows very little beyond what is absolutely required for his job, and doesn't take the initiative or even want to learn more. From what I can see, what he loves is teaching and interacting with others. Its sad that he doesn't try to switch his career in this direction, as his wife makes more than enough for him to do so. And if that's not what he loves then he should take some time off to figure out what he is passionate about, otherwise he'll just be wasting some of the best years of his life.
Now onto thoughts about the meaning of life. On Thursday, I ended up working for almost 24 hours due to issues stemming from human error. That got me thinking about work and how it affects life. I consider myself one of the lucky ones in that what I do for my job is my passion. I love computers and all things computer related, so while during my 24 hour work shift I was extremely stressed, in the back of my head I was thinking, wow what I'm doing is awesome! At the end of it all as the sun was rising and my other fellow coworkers started showing up for work, I was rather satisfied and pleased with what we had just accomplished in the past several hours. The only downside was that I had missed a dinner and a night with Lily (and as long as it doesn't happen too often I guess that's okay), but I did get the following day off to make it up to her.
I've heard a lot of career advice in the past, basically boiling down to do what you're good at for your job that make lots of money and keep what you enjoy as a hobby. I tend to disagree with that now because if you are passionate about something, you'll tend to be good at it. I believe that I'm good at my job because I love it. For example, I read up on and do related things in my spare time, building up my skills which then subsequently translate into better work performance.
Work is something that you will probably spend most of your life doing, day in and day out, almost every day of every week for several decades. Hence, you should pick something that you really really enjoy so that you spend the majority of your life doing something that makes you happy. I find it sad that most people don't share this opinion, and work to them is just a means to an end. For me, money is a means to an end, not work. Work is something that is basically your life since you spend so much time doing it, hence it should be something that you love. Recently I talked with a couple and they said that they aren't passionate about their work and that they don't even know what they're passionate about. They work because it makes a lot of money. The guy is in the same field as me, yet is about as different from me as you can get. For example he knows very little beyond what is absolutely required for his job, and doesn't take the initiative or even want to learn more. From what I can see, what he loves is teaching and interacting with others. Its sad that he doesn't try to switch his career in this direction, as his wife makes more than enough for him to do so. And if that's not what he loves then he should take some time off to figure out what he is passionate about, otherwise he'll just be wasting some of the best years of his life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)